Essay/Humor – I’m signing a petition to allow adult children who travel with elderly parents to check them as overweight baggage. For a fee, of course.—-
Obey Expectation #2: SHUT UP
I’m 99% sure the whole business of airline security is a cat and mouse game.
After the airlines added bag check fees we got creative at challenging metal detectors and scanners. Charge an extra twenty-five dollars to carry four ounces of water, shampoo or vodka and we’re tempted to roll the dice.
Of course by doing this we insult the very capable TSA employees who each day work to insure our safety and security. Like the elderly woman whose carry-on drew a B movie reaction from her son. Roman candles, artillery shells and flaming rockets triggered more than a few Oohs and Ahhs from fellow passengers.
Despite the hassles of security checkpoints, my private prayer for airline travel is simple: Please God, bless everyone on board. Selfishly I ask to get home safe and without drama from fellow passengers. And a seat away from the bathroom door is a bonus.
Now I’ve flown with colicky babies, unruly toddlers and downright obstinate teenagers. In each case, being the adult, I was in control.
My minimum expectations were quite clear:
- SIT DOWN, and
- SHUT UP
A few extra hugs and snacks go a long way to pacify small children. More often I’ve threatened to return jerk-teens to the foster homes from where they’d been plucked. Not surprisingly, this does not work as well as taking car keys or cell phones away.
But until I traveled with an elderly parent completely out of my control, my prior experiences were, well, child’s play.
Myth #1: Elderly Parents carry their own weight
False. They may carry a tune or carry a grudge and probably carry pictures of grandkids, but they carry nothing someone else will.
My weight bearing exercise began when my siblings drew straws to fly our 80 year old father back to Boston after a family wedding. I won. Lost.
At the check-in my Dad refused to hand over his two bags while I forked mine over without hesitation.
“Oh no,” he snapped at the nice lady. “I don’t check bags. You people know how to lose them. And charge me for it!”
Then he turned to me and smirked: “Kiss that bag and twenty-five bucks good-bye. I’m glad you can throw money away like that.”
Myth #2: Elderly Parents travel light
False. Elderly parents anticipate the next plague, flood or unforeseen disaster. On a carousel somewhere, packed suitcases of Civil War MREs (meals ready to eat) are still revolving. My Dad had packed enough rattling pill bottles to give a 40 piece Maraca band the shakes.
We walked through the airport with me dragging his two bags while mine headed to the mysterious cargo hold. A large wheel-less tote (guessing circa 1960s) held four tons of cheap souvenirs and the bulky duffle strapped over my shoulder reeked worse than three day old fish.
Each step forward lengthened the distance between us. He fell behind blaming new sneaker syndrome and urged me to walk ahead. I did, but glanced back every so often until he got swallowed up by the hustling crowd. Hands-free people with faith in the airline’s luggage handling system.
When the annoying beep-beep cart clipped the smelly duffle bag, I turned to snarl at the driver.
There riding shotgun, my Dad, waving to the masses as if he were the Grand Marshal in the Easter parade. “I’m taking the people car!” At every stop I swear he signed a few autographs.
I looked away and trudged on mumbling something about an advertisement I’d seen for Happy Acres by the Sea.
Myth #3: Elderly Parents in Velcro tied sneakers get a pass in the security line
False. For the record this task should be waived for elderly people who secure shoes like children — whether they light up when they walk or not. It was noted on page 3 in my 10 page letter to the TSA titled, Traveling With Seniors Made Easy.
In the security line I let him in front of me and hoisted his two bags on the belt.
“Dad, take off your sneakers and put them in the bin.”
He shook his head, no. Aside from holding his breath or throwing himself to the floor he could go one-on-one with any toddler’s tantrum. And because he’s not 3, and literate, I pointed to the signage.
Myth #4: Elderly Parents understand airport security rules
False. Elderly Parents twist the rules.
“See, it’s the law. And take off your belt too. You don’t have anything in your pockets do you?” This was all said in a church whisper. No drama.
He reached into his pockets and nonchalantly itemized the contents: “I have my wallet, car keys…” and he held up, with pride, “my trusted Swiss Army knife.”
You know that restrained tone used when you want to scream at a child in public but fear being arrested? You morph from parent to a third rate ventriloquist with crazy eyes.
“You can’t take a knife on the plane! They are going to take it away from you — might arrest you. Why are your sneakers still on?” My church voice committed a sin that would cost me one Hail Mary and two Our Fathers.
“They’re brand new, the socks too,” he said, not a concern in the world. “I bought them at Macy’s. And that knife is older than you. Remember when you were little and got a nail in your foot? You were glad Dad had the knife then, right?”
Whenever my Dad reminisced about the good old days, I shoved my hands deep under my armpits and hummed a happy tune. The visual is weird but this control technique has kept me from posting bail more than once.
He smiled. “What do your kids say to you? Chill-lax-ative. You’re always uptight.”
One more peep out of him and I’d threaten to take his car keys away for a month. He could not obey minimum expectation #2: SHUT UP.
The first-grader behind us was unimpressed with his detailed account of our family’s Florida wedding. She asked if he knew Mickey Mouse.
The line behind us grew. We weren’t making friends.
Myth #5: Elderly Parents will take a bullet for you
False. With a gun pointed at their head Elderly Parents will shove you in front.
For the record the TSA official was extremely nice. He held out his hand, the way a person does when asking for a sharp metal object that could rip out his heart.
“The hell I will!” Dad said, then poked my arm. “My daughter knows all about the knife.”
And just like that the conversation pivoted. From elderly respect to a potential body cavity search. Three TSA officials were suddenly interested in the father/daughter Bonnie and Clyde.
He surrendered the pocket knife with a smidgen of teenage attitude. Head hung low and clinging to the beltless waist of his gabardines, my dejected Dad passed through the metal detector.
It went off like the Fourth of July finale.
The security folks had him back out and empty his pockets. House keys and loose change. Benign crap. Because he’d been flagged a suspicious passenger, out came the wand. Up and down it went until the high pitch alarm drew more attention. Tucked into his white socks bought on sale at Macy’s was a keychain size Swiss Army knife.
He head-faked the TSA like they were in this war together. “You never know what kind of whackos will be on the plane, right?”
It comforted me to know Dad volunteered to take down a terrorist with the little knife used to trim his fingernails.
We were so close to clearing the line when my father’s big bag was singled out.
“Is this your bag, M’am?”
Dad feigned concern. “Hey Stephanie he’s taking your bag!”
None of my crazy eye movements made him shut up.
A TSA supervisor wielding a clipboard motioned to me and pointed to Dad. “Are you with this gentleman?”
I’d be lying if I said there was no hesitation before I answered. “Yes. That’s my father’s bag, but I’m carrying it.” All the TSA officials and my Dad shook their disappointed heads at me.
My father deserted me and took refuge behind the conveyor to grab his duffel bag where he was quickly snatched by more security. Still shoeless, pants sinking south, he looked more like the cover boy for Confused Travelers Daily than a retired Army man. They escorted him to a bench to reclaim his shoes and belt up his pants. A nuisance sure, but not a threat.
“My” bag got a thorough inspection. No shock, the first thing pulled out, a 16 ounce, three dollar can of Barbasol shaving cream. The TSA official remained stoic and tossed it.
Then he removed what would later be known as the item that made time stand still. He took it out with care. You might say, with caution. For a few minutes the breath left my body.
In my face, the Grand Daddy of them all. Dad’s pride and joy 15-inch fish fillet knife. Apparently he’d caught and cleaned an eight pound flounder that chilled on ice in the duffel bag I carried. If I had my way the next fish he saw would be fried on a plate and served with slaw at Happy Acres by the Sea.
Finally aboard the plane a kind young man placed Dad’s bags of bricks and fish into the overhead. He claimed the heavy one belonged to me, naturally. I smiled with ‘sit down and shut up’ crazy eyes and put him in seat 5C before dragging myself to the exit row of the plane.
A few minutes later I looked up to see the young man standing over me.
“Your father wanted you to have this for the trip.”
Who knew twelve vodka nip bottles fit snuggly in a quart size zip bag?
The nice man exchanged seats with me so Dad and I could fly home together. We buckled up and eased into casual chatter over our security escapade. It would become a story to tell for years to come he said.
As the flight attendants gave their safety warning, I twisted the cap off a nip. Dad was well into his second. We clicked our bottles together and offered a friendly “Cheers!”
He leaned in to me with an impish stare. Truthfully, I never saw his mouth move. He was that good — a first rate ventriloquist. His crazy eyes said it all. “The next time we get stopped at security I wish you would shut the hell up.”
Myth #6: Elderly Parents make airline travel an adventure
This is absolutely True. Rare is air travel free of drama unless you’re a solo hang glider with an endless tail wind. But pack an Elderly Parent in your carry-on and a plane trip turns into the ride of a lifetime.
NOTE: This story is 99% true. My Dad is no longer here to refute the details but trust me he would tell you that Macy’s is having a sale on sneakers.
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I absolutely loved this one!!
I love your stories, and can clearly picture him at the airport.