Photo credit: Syntagma

Since I have been in a long term relationship for the majority of my life, any dating skills and advice remaining in my bloodstream date back to the days when David Cassidy was every teenage girl’s American idol. Suffice to say my resume in the dating category is pre internet when social media for girls involved scribbling “reefer madness” on gym lockers and girls had parties where everyone tried to duplicate Farrah Fawcett’s hairstyle. And the closest thing to sex-ting body parts were accidents caught on 8mm home movies, usually with my mother yelling: “You all better cover your eyes or you won’t get popcorn, and that includes you, Uncle Lou.”


It worked for the Cavemen, and Women

Dating advice has been around since there were cavemen and cavewomen grunting at the Let’s Make Fire Ball with men sizing up some hairy young thing hoping she’ll agree to gather while he hunts. The ritual is much the same today, except there are way more hair products for women, thank God.

Open a magazine or flip through the channels and there is a slew of Q & A advice on the subject of sexual attraction among humans. Every woman wants to date a really nice guy who doesn’t live with mother, is gainfully employed (read: has more money than you can spend in your estimated 82.5 years lifespan), no exes, no beer belly, original teeth.

But with so much advice and information out there from the Kardashians, what’s left to the average girl’s imagination?

Mothers once were the dispensary for dating and sex advice, and if you’re not having a whiz on the floor over that visual, picture dad snoring on the couch, fly unzipped, covered precariously with the Saturday comics and candlepin bowling on the television while mom points and snickers: “If you marry half the man I did, consider yourself lucky”. I should have run out screaming and rescued a puppy.

The laws of physical attraction are fairly basic. You are standing alone in a crowded room, and then there he is, and you are so happy that your eye astigmatism has been corrected. You look away briefly, wondering if he saw you adjust the Spanx strap. You look back again, just to check, and yes, he is making eye contact. You smile. He smiles back. Your heart begins to beat a little faster, you begin to feel warm (could be a hot flash, but stay with me) and your breathing gets deeper. You practically giggle. This is a scientific definition of physical attraction. While you are waiting for him to weave through the crowd he is quickly checking his watch wondering if he’s past the 1 hour parking limit and if meeting you is going to be worth the extra ten bucks. That’s his reality.

Learn from watching your friends fail, and fail, and fail

Having lived through countless stories of dating and break up woes, I’ve learned that women over think relationships. Women spend an entire day preparing for the evening while her date is probably preoccupied by strange engine noises. Fundamentally we do want the same things, but as long as there are two opposite sexes there will be opposing opinions, like whether to buy a colonial in the suburbs or which Kardashian has a butt implant.

 I was lucky enough to understand the laws of attraction early and spared myself years of unnecessary primping in attempts to snag that perfect guy. There is something about the scent of a teenage couple co-joined in the back of a rusted Dodge Dart with a bottle of Boone’s Farm Apple Wine that makes a heart go pitter patter.

Understanding the male brain is E-A-S-Y

A few simple chemistry elements regarding men: Most don’t have fancy wants or needs, and none are mind readers. A man will know you truly understand the working dynamic of his brain if you arrive naked and bring beer. Trust me, there will not be another gal who can compete with a woman who was thoughtful enough to chill the beer.

Over the years my mother’s advice proved dead-on. My American idol caveman has hunted all week and is snoring on the couch. I’m sitting naked next to him with my lifetime supply of over-priced hair products and a cold beer. Maybe when he wakes up we’ll go sit in the car, and recreate the magic.

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