ESSAY/HOLIDAY HUMOR - This holiday season, American taxpayers must be vigilant against the government’s most adorable spy.--
Ralph the Elf, on the Shelf
The news stories of the NSA spying on regular, law-abiding taxpayers raises concern for my privacy. Although such tactics against me would guarantee its snoopers a blue ribbon for the longest yawn (current record is 6 minutes, 46 seconds), it makes me wonder what the people of our country have done to instigate this mass surveillance program. I mean, the authorities should need more than a hunch to spy on average people, right?
While our government denies its use of sophisticated spy tactics to read our email, tap in to our smart phones, or hack our personal computers through webcams and microphones, there is a more sinister method at work. And you should be very afraid. In its simplicity to collect data on your personal comings and goings, and use it against you in a court of law, the new government spy scheme is as much flawless as it is brilliant.
It comes in the form of a well-marketed, cute little stuffed Christmas elf toy. If you have small children or grandchildren, you have no doubt heard of The Elf on the Shelf, Santa’s friendly scout elf. For about 30 bucks at Santa’s workshop, a.k.a. Amazon, Target or Barnes & Noble, you buy an elf sold along with a story book full of elfin lies. You knowingly and willingly invite this adorable little nymph to live in your home for the holidays. Give your elf a cute name, ours is “Ralph the Elf”, and then register your elf on the official elf website, which can process way more applications than Healthcare dot gov. Once you’ve provided your personal information and location, Spy Operation: Naughty or Nice, begins.
At night (if you remember to) you hide the elf somewhere in your home for the child to find. Essentially, the elf’s job is to monitor daily behavior. And each night the elf disappears and reports to Santa on whether the child has been naughty or nice. In the morning the elf is mysteriously in a new place for the child to find again. Cute, right?
Middle-income parents, the government’s most vulnerable demographic, believe this adorable hoax is a fun hide-and-seek game for children. Parents use an elf as harmless behavior modification during the stressful holiday season. Kick blocking the boss’s tipsy wife from spilling a pomegranate martini on the white sequined sweater I plan to return on the 26th does make for tense times. A bonus instead of an open bar might have helped those credit card bills. I digress.
Talking to the elf is encouraged as is sharing all secrets, wishes, and desires. Touching renders the magic null and void. But for an additional $5.95 a bag of “magic dust” easily rectifies the boo-boo. Buy two packages to avoid the drama of “He did it, she did it” and “I thought we were all out of vodka”. Just saying.
Don’t get one I tell you.
The Elf on the Shelf is a covert government conspiracy masquerading as a holiday tradition. Look into those beady little eyes. That impervious smirk. This benign-looking Santa’s little helper is a mole. Pure and simple.
And here’s the rub. Smart people with college degrees tuck their children in bed then mix some cheery cocktails and party with the elf. In adult hands, it’s rare the elf that sits idly on a shelf looking, well, elfish. Deranged grown-ups create scenarios which draw comments like, “Aw, that’s adorable, wished I’d thought of that” to “Dude, really, I thought you stopped doing that in college.”
The over-achievers with bravado to spare assault the very social media our government is monitoring by sharing provocative and risqué elf behavior. Government spies may turn 50 Shades of Red but your name will surely go to the top of the naughty list. You might as well run a white flag up the pole and surrender now.
Your house is not safe people. Don’t believe me? Check out the crack site for women, Pinterest. You’ll find a plethora of naughty escapades of so many elves and in places no government agency could ever find without your help. The light-hearted slice-of-life scenario with an elf playing spin the rum bottle with the neighbor’s stuffed animal friends. You can kiss good-bye borrowing that lawnmower next spring.
You are playing right into the hands of the NSA and who knows, maybe the CIA and NASA, too. The problem is that huge.
In an age of high-tech spy operations, this nimble stuffed toy is a government plot to learn the workings of your inner household. Beware. Each night Santa analyzes the close and personal information you shared in full view of your secret best friend. For the boastful and creative could this be the reason behind your tax audit last year?
Using The Elf on a Shelf as the caveat for good behavior makes for a terribly sad holiday. Plus we know by Christmas Eve, all those gifts stuffed in the car, basement, and attic, will all make it under the tree. Who are you kidding? The government knows all your hiding spots and how much you’ve blown the holiday budget.
If you’re a grown-up, with or without a college degree, don’t invite this stuffed creep into your house. Your world is going to get a lot worse than any amount of apologizing for your bad behavior can fix. Coal? Child’s play.
It may be too late for me this year. I will pay my taxes on time, plus throw in $30 bucks so the government can donate an elf to someone who they really should spy on, like my ex-boss’s wife.
For added protection, before pouring spiked eggnog for my neighbor and I, Ralph the Elf is going in the naughty corner where he belongs.
#ElfontheShelf
