HUMOR ESSAY - Despite all efforts to adopt a healthier lifestyle, my failed lab scores makes me wonder if chocolate covered kale isn't the answer. --
I’m eating it all!
My annual physical was today. I primped, shaved, and shined myself all pretty as if Clooney might ask me to spend the weekend at Lake Como. The ladies know the drill.
Last year’s tests revealed a slight increase in…everything. Blood sugar a tad high. Cholesterol a few points over 200. Potassium a bit off. The kicker? Being told that “at your age” these results are normal and expected.
“Ha”, I said, “you don’t know who you’re dealing with.” I accepted those less than perfect numbers as a challenge.
For a year I tried Ovo-Lacto (a vegetarian who eats milk and eggs). Then leaned vegan-ish, meaning I ate fish. Being a vegan is funny. Twinkies are ok, but grilled fish is not. I cooked “meat-like” and “chicken-like” meals even the dog refused. After 30 minutes in the oven it all resembled dryer lint mixed with Silly Putty, but was vegan friendly and only 100 calories per serving!
White flour and white sugar were off the list. I baked with flours like spelt, garbanzo, and fava. They claim to add an earthy flavor to any dish. Without butter and eggs to boot, if I make a few more banana breads, we can totally repave the driveway.
I drank a glass of red wine or beer, or one of each, or both, depending how badly I shook watching happy people eat pizza. You pick your poison and I’ll pick mine.
Maintaining a fairly regular exercise program was key to my success. I walked a few times a week and tried the free ten minute workouts on cable. Did you know there are nine sets of abs in the human body? Damn if I could find one.
I upped my game. At 3 a.m. an infomercial featuring a crazy, sweating, totally ripped guy screamed in my face: “You can friggin’ do this.” I dialed 1-800-HARD-ABS and ordered the video and, well, I friggin’ tried.
So after a year of living this conscientious lifestyle, I smugly awaited my doctor to review the latest results. Ready?
-
Weight Gain
“Muscle weighs more that fat”. A polite way of saying: “But you should lose 10 pounds”. Side note: I was once nine months pregnant and weighed less. In the end they handed me a baby. Here, a colorful infographic of the healthy eating plate.
-
Cholesterol Up By 30 Points
It went up without eating BBQ ribs, birthday cake, or a single scoop of Cherry Garcia. Quick, somebody pass me a stick of butter and a leg of lamb in that order.
-
Muffin Top Madness
“You seem to carry the extra weight around your waist.” Is wearing a paper johnny an acceptable defense for punching out a licensed physician? Fair warning doc: I’m carrying extra weight — in my fists.
-
Immune System Haywire
Not once in my life have I had an allergy to poison anything. But this summer my arms swelled the size of a child’s thigh and legions of scars left my legs looking as if I’d been mauled by a rabid animal. “Immune systems change with age.” Translation: “Next year you should wear long sleeves, or hire a landscaper”.
-
Injuries Galore
This year, due to the kicked up exercise program, I suffered both a high ankle fracture and a shoulder injury. Oh ya, I friggin’ did that.
In my quest for better numbers, I feel mildly depressed by the black and white printout. No excellent lab report to hang on the refrigerator as proof that choking down of bowls and bowls of lentil and kale soup lowered my scores or whittled my waistline.
Defeat does not sit easily with me. However, I’ll give myself some time to lick my wounds then regroup, tweak my plan and try again.
But for now, by George, I am eating all the leftover Halloween candy.
