Why Toddlers are Like Drunk College Freshmen (or Vice Versa)

HUMOR – At what age is it safe to let a child out of your sight without a name tag? —

My toddler grandchild is showing early signs of becoming a college student. Whether a potential math prodigy, future Mensa candidate or (Dear Lord, No.) a career politician remains to be seen. He does however mimic a personality disorder which runs rampant on campuses across the country known as “College freshmen who drink beer”.

I’ve long forgotten a toddler is a highly advanced human stuck in a developing body. On a whim they display erratic social and mobility skills that intensify each day potty-training fails.

Similarly, new college students often out of parental control for the first time are known to suffer from alcohol enhanced “freshmen dementia”. They babble unintelligently, make questionable choices for no personal gain and often forget which floor they live on. This is caused when normal nap schedules are interrupted by eight a.m. Intro to Lit class and three day frat parties. Can you say Poli-Sci majors?

Because I am not a scientist (and I know this because I do not own a white lab coat) my theory isn’t based on controlled research. However, a “double-blind” study was conducted after one memorable parent’s weekend that involved two blindfolded male freshmen. And if memory serves me right, they were naked. The object of the game, rather, study, was to sprint across the football field, blindfolded, pushing a shopping cart* full of females. For the record, we were not naked. We wore pretty cotton Fruit of the Looms. Victoria still had her Secret.

My semi naked toddler runs around the house playing silly games that make no sense to me, but probably fall under the term “age appropriate creative play”.  And while this two-year-old communicates in three-syllable messages, in college he’ll get 140 characters to explain to his parents why he’s a state college student on academic probation. Back in the day we made teary-eyed collect calls to Mom. We blamed our poor grades on the lack of nutrients in the cafeteria food.

Toddlers are entertained by colorful characters at lovely theme parks; freshmen discover the joys of single life in unsanitary dorm rooms with roommates.

“Sloth” from Rhode Island lived across the hall. He received this Christian accolade during freshmen orientation week at a late night session called: “Name the Animal Your Roommate Most Resembles When Drunk.” Sometime after two a.m. the Schlitz cans used as bowling pins were empty. It was the early 70s and beer pong was still an Ivy League only sport. Sloth clocked a record speed of twenty-seven minutes to drag his short round frame from the party room to the other side of the hallway, a mere six feet, or the equivalent time it takes a grown-up to drag a toddler out of ToysRUs.

To his credit, after we pressed Sloth against the wall he flailed his arms and legs in opposing directions for a full eight minutes. He resembled a trapezoid, or a parallelogram or a circle… I didn’t learn geometric shapes.  I minored in Psychology.  How does that make you feel?

Toddlers come equipped with double joints which also allow them to contort their tiny limbs and shove them in the oddest places. Did you know that annually over 40,000 children are rescued from toilet seats, stair railings and other tight spaces? This number quadruples around age eighteen. You do the math.

Sloth used the wall for support and slid face down to the floor looking about as graceful as a 200-pound dying ballerina. The guys cheered, the girls cried. My toddler hurled a sippy cup across the living room and then threw himself in a dramatic rage on the floor. The dog licked the juice, the cat sighed. It’s obvious that Newton’s Laws of Motion is over their heads which basically means all freshmen and dogs should major in Psychology.

Sloth graduated after six years and went on to teach behavior modification at a state prison in Texas. As for my toddler’s budding intelligence and future success as a college freshman, he’s still in Research & Development. But the signs are all there. Just insert freshman for toddler, beer for apple juice, and we’ve got ourselves a chance at an Ivy League nod.

*Over 5 million Shopping Carts are stolen worldwide each year. It is unknown how many thefts are by college students. I can only account for one.